Changes...

Times change...quickly!

Have you ever noticed that nothing you plan out "perfectly" ever seems to work out that way? Things change and often things evolve into something much better than you'd ever seen coming.

I remember being so incredibly excited to graduate high school and move as far away from home as possible. I wanted to create a new life somewhere else--one filled with far more excitement than I'd ever known (yeah, right) and all new friends. I didn't even know if I wanted to be in Alabama, I had the typical assumption that the grass was greener somewhere else. Well... we all know how that worked out. While I loved my time in Mobile, I knew it wasn't a permanent fit for me. I couldn't see my future there and I was scared to say my plans were wrong. I made it all of 10 months away from home and then I was back. Back not only living in my parents house, but also back with the boy I'd known for years and the boy most thought would be the least likely match for me. Times changed before I knew it and surprisingly enough, I was completely okay. This turned out to be the best decision I ever made. Not only was I able to spend much more time with the one I love, but I also was able to explore my career path more extensively. I gained experience that I never would have in Mobile, I met people that would eventually lead me to professional careers, I found a love for Birmingham (yes, I was surprised too) and I developed a deep relationship with my family that can't be matched.

Then there was the post graduation plan. I never imagined that just six months into my first job as a college graduate that I would resign. My plan changed with one phone call. Now, I'm on job number two and I still don't know what I'm doing, but I have learned to not even try to predict what lies ahead.

Now, I say all of that to get to the point that the love, engagement, marriage process is not quite working out like I'd always imagined. It's much more complicated than that, but I'm realizing that I'm glad my plan didn't happen. Instead of having my prince charming come in and sweep me off my feet with a plan for the rest of our lives, Brad and I are rescuing each other. I'm his princess and he's my prince and we're planning our lives together. There is no predetermined plan and we are happy with that. No, I don't have the diamond on my hand yet, but we know that we're going to spend our lives together and we're planning for the future. He has a plan for the engagement process (or so he says) so it's left up to the both of us to decide important things like where we're going to live, how we're going to spend our money and what we want out of a marriage. Before now we hadn't really talked in depth about these things and when we had mentioned them in passing, it was usually a forced and awkward conversation that left me terrified about what was to come. Times have changed... We have meaningful chats about what we want from life and what we expect of each other. We're moving in the right direction and I'm very excited.

I'm anxious to see what other changes lie ahead for me. Some will undoubtedly seem to be for the worse while others will be some of the most exciting parts of my life. While change is scary on the outside, I'm learning that it is quite possibly something I should look forward to and certainly embrace when it comes around. You never know what's lurking around the corner...

Something New

Well... I must admit it, I'm a blog skeptic. While I love reading blogs of people I know (it amazes me the things that go on inside people's heads that you didn't know about), I have never been a fan of publicly sharing my thoughts. For now, my blog is strictly for my use. It's not published because I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to use it for and I'm not sure that I'm brave enough to have people know what's really going on inside MY head. Perhaps, I'll use it mostly as a way to get things out without having to actually write with a pen, as I have abandoned my actual journal due to laziness.

I used to love to write. I was that nerd in sixth grade that thought I'd write the next great novel. Granted, my favorite books at the time were Sweet Valley High, I knew I liked to read and maybe on some level I figured I had to write at least as good as that author whose name I cannot remember. I do rememeber that those books made me want to do make a difference. The bright eyed, blonde twins were always doing something out of the ordinary, whether it be starting community clean up days, or selling lemonade for a good cause, they seemed to always have it together. I used to have that mindset--I was going to take on the world and as cliche as it sounds, I was going to make a difference.

Time changes these aspirations, or at least our perceptions of their possibility. Do I still want to make a difference? Of course I do, the lines are just a bit more blurred now. It's harder to start and it's even harder for me to decide what to start with. I lack the inspiration that I once had, the belief in myself and my ideas, and more importantly I lack the passion for things. Where does that go? How did I become this person?

It's hard to imagine that in just ten years I have changed so drastically. I used to be the first to volunteer to read aloud, I was the 4H public speaking champion, I wrote letters to congressmen and even town officials about things I thought should be changed, but now... now I get nervous and shakey when I speak in public (yes I work in public relations, go figure!), I have no idea how to ignite change, or perhaps I know how, I'm just no longer brave enough to do it. I speak up, soemtimes too much, but it doesn't seem to have the same effect anymore. I admit, not arrogantly, that I am respected (for the most part) in my field. I know my stuff and I'm not scared to ask for help, or do the research to help myself. I just don't have the same go get 'em, I'm ready for the world, I love life attitude anymore and realizing that breaks my heart.

How do you get it back? I don't have the crazy personable side that I once did, well I still have it, it just comes out much less often. I do a great job of whipping it out at work, or in other obvious social situations, but it's the one on one, the balance that I struggle with now. I'm self absorbed and can't escape. How does this happen? I certainly care about people, I'm a relentless worrier, but I can't seem to move from having the desire in my mind, to actually taking action. Where do you begin? How do you begin?

It's obvious that I have issues...wow, a lot of them! However, I think this blogging is going to be good for me. I can get things out and think about them, without having to bog down my friends, I can focus more on general things, worldly events, etc. rather than myself... this might be just what I need!