Something New

Well... I must admit it, I'm a blog skeptic. While I love reading blogs of people I know (it amazes me the things that go on inside people's heads that you didn't know about), I have never been a fan of publicly sharing my thoughts. For now, my blog is strictly for my use. It's not published because I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to use it for and I'm not sure that I'm brave enough to have people know what's really going on inside MY head. Perhaps, I'll use it mostly as a way to get things out without having to actually write with a pen, as I have abandoned my actual journal due to laziness.

I used to love to write. I was that nerd in sixth grade that thought I'd write the next great novel. Granted, my favorite books at the time were Sweet Valley High, I knew I liked to read and maybe on some level I figured I had to write at least as good as that author whose name I cannot remember. I do rememeber that those books made me want to do make a difference. The bright eyed, blonde twins were always doing something out of the ordinary, whether it be starting community clean up days, or selling lemonade for a good cause, they seemed to always have it together. I used to have that mindset--I was going to take on the world and as cliche as it sounds, I was going to make a difference.

Time changes these aspirations, or at least our perceptions of their possibility. Do I still want to make a difference? Of course I do, the lines are just a bit more blurred now. It's harder to start and it's even harder for me to decide what to start with. I lack the inspiration that I once had, the belief in myself and my ideas, and more importantly I lack the passion for things. Where does that go? How did I become this person?

It's hard to imagine that in just ten years I have changed so drastically. I used to be the first to volunteer to read aloud, I was the 4H public speaking champion, I wrote letters to congressmen and even town officials about things I thought should be changed, but now... now I get nervous and shakey when I speak in public (yes I work in public relations, go figure!), I have no idea how to ignite change, or perhaps I know how, I'm just no longer brave enough to do it. I speak up, soemtimes too much, but it doesn't seem to have the same effect anymore. I admit, not arrogantly, that I am respected (for the most part) in my field. I know my stuff and I'm not scared to ask for help, or do the research to help myself. I just don't have the same go get 'em, I'm ready for the world, I love life attitude anymore and realizing that breaks my heart.

How do you get it back? I don't have the crazy personable side that I once did, well I still have it, it just comes out much less often. I do a great job of whipping it out at work, or in other obvious social situations, but it's the one on one, the balance that I struggle with now. I'm self absorbed and can't escape. How does this happen? I certainly care about people, I'm a relentless worrier, but I can't seem to move from having the desire in my mind, to actually taking action. Where do you begin? How do you begin?

It's obvious that I have issues...wow, a lot of them! However, I think this blogging is going to be good for me. I can get things out and think about them, without having to bog down my friends, I can focus more on general things, worldly events, etc. rather than myself... this might be just what I need!